I wish I had a better father,
‘Cause I feel like if it wasn’t for this stranger
Living in the same house as me
For eighteen years,
I would’ve never thought I had one.
They say that actions
Speak louder than words,
But I never believed it
‘Cause my dad’s mouth was that
Of a gun that shot four holes
Into my heart.
And out of those four holes
Leaked out melted crayons.
A yellow, a red, a green, and a blue.
They were the colors of my broken childhood.
Cause all I ever really wanted
Was for you to color with me.
All I ever wanted was for you
To tuck me in at night,
To say “Goodnight son,
Don’t let the bed bugs bite”.
To play some ball with me,
To teach me how to work in the yard,
To tell me I was the best even when I wasn’t,
To make me hold your hand even when I didn’t want to,
To hear just one little “I love you”.
And you know what pop?
If it was really for the money
If your ten dollars and hour
Was really that important
You should have told me
Cause I would’ve saved every damn dime
I would’ve quit buying bubblegum and soda pop
And comic books and lollipops
I would searched every corner in my room
For the forgotten pennies that are now priceless
I would’ve checked every laundry mat in town
For those quarters that sometimes
Mrs. Smith drops on her bad days
I would have saved and saved and saved and saved
Every last dime until I could buy at least one hour of your time.
One hour of my own existence.
But I have come to realize that maybe I don’t wish
For a better father, but for a better me.
‘Cause yes, maybe you weren’t the greatest
But the mistakes you made I have learned from
You’re lacking has made me a loving person
I have become what you never were.
And yes the pain has lingered
But maybe it was me who pulled the trigger.
A self-inflicted wound.
Cause I have learned and know that love surpasses everything,
And for me to hold this hate against you is stupid.
I have become the bigger fool,
For becoming the second “you”.
Maybe God placed me on this earth
To show you what love can do?
Maybe when he was forming me he said,
“Hey look son, you’re going to be born to a father
That has gone through some stuff
And although you may never understand him
And although he might never tell you he loves you
Make sure that doesn’t hinder you in life
But always love him back”.
So dad just know that you are forgiven
But most importantly I would like
To forgive myself for this