Self-Inflicted Wound:

I wish I had a better father,

‘Cause I feel like if it wasn’t for this stranger

Living in the same house as me

For eighteen years,

I would’ve never thought I had one.

They say that actions

Speak louder than words,

But I never believed it

‘Cause my dad’s mouth was that

Of a gun that shot four holes

Into my heart.

And out of those four holes

Leaked out melted crayons.

A yellow, a red, a green, and a blue.

They were the colors of my broken childhood.

Cause all I ever really wanted

Was for you to color with me.

All I ever wanted was for you

To tuck me in at night,

To say “Goodnight son,

Don’t let the bed bugs bite”.

To play some ball with me,

To teach me how to work in the yard,

To tell me I was the best even when I wasn’t,

To make me hold your hand even when I didn’t want to,

To hear just one little “I love you”.

And you know what pop?

If it was really for the money

If your ten dollars and hour

Was really that important

You should have told me

Cause I would’ve saved every damn dime

I would’ve quit buying bubblegum and soda pop

And comic books and lollipops

I would searched every corner in my room

For the forgotten pennies that are now priceless

I would’ve checked every laundry mat in town

For those quarters that sometimes

Mrs. Smith drops on her bad days

I would have saved and saved and saved and saved

Every last dime until I could buy at least one hour of your time.

One hour of my own existence.

But I have come to realize that maybe I don’t wish

For a better father, but for a better me.

‘Cause yes, maybe you weren’t the greatest

But the mistakes you made I have learned from

You’re lacking has made me a loving person

I have become what you never were.

And yes the pain has lingered

But maybe it was me who pulled the trigger.

A self-inflicted wound.

Cause I have learned and know that love surpasses everything,

And for me to hold this hate against you is stupid.

I have become the bigger fool,

For becoming the second “you”.

Maybe God placed me on this earth

To show you what love can do?

Maybe when he was forming me he said,

“Hey look son, you’re going to be born to a father

That has gone through some stuff

And although you may never understand him

And although he might never tell you he loves you

Make sure that doesn’t hinder you in life

But always love him back”.

So dad just know that you are forgiven

But most importantly I would like

To forgive myself for this

Self-inflicted wound. 

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